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Me:     More Than You Wanted to Know

March.. 1996.. almost exactly two years ago, from the day I write this... The day I got a computer. The Day my life changed forever. I'd always been intimidated by computers, but circumstances required that I not only have one in my home, but that I actually use it.

The previous 7 years had been very social ones. I taught dance, and 7 nights a week I was out in public for at least a while, and most nights for much longer. I taught dance in bars where I was at least 80% entertainer... known for an outgoing risqué humor, and my equal opportunity flirtations. I was able to get away with just about anything because I was able to closely walk the line.. flirting heavily, but obviously off limits to all.

I never dated. I wasn't interested in dating anymore, because I'd given up on trying to settle for "vanilla" relationships. There just wasn't any way to meet anyone with my interests where I lived... and I was too well known in my area to take any chances.

I decided that what the community needed was a newsletter letting people know where they could go 7 days a week to find their "dancing-fix". It was an idea that was so desperately needed, that it took on a life of it's own.. moving from the 2-sided badly typed and copied sheet of paper that I started with, to a full fledged 10 paged newsletter. A friend with a computer had been just too appalled by how badly my typewriter worked and made the mistake of insisting that he put it on his word-processing program.

Of course it wasn't long before I had to learn to use that program and his computer, slowly getting used to the tasks as the newsletter grew and grew. Finally the day came when gasp he wanted his computer back badly enough to build a computer and give it to me for free. All my dancing friends who had computers were really excited to see a new victim addict computer user in their midst. I think it was only a matter of a couple weeks before someone showed up on my doorstep pushing generously giving me a brand new modem and AOL software.

I made it all of 3 days on AOL before not only had my free time run out, but I had even met someone who I was extremely interested in getting to know a lot better! The fourth day I found an ISP.. chosen not only by price, but mainly by the fact that they were willing to come to my home on a Sunday afternoon to install the software for me.

It was only a month before I was firmly entrenched online. The passionate online affair that began on AOL and moved to IRC consumed 12 hours a day most days, until we both realized that our lives were suffering too badly and he met someone else who lived locally. In those last days of our relationship, as I waited for him to come online when he was expected, I started really taking a good look around IRC..

I changed my nickname and tiptoed into a couple of BDSM channels. I was terrified. After a lifetime of thinking I was suffering from some kind of emotional sickness, I thought that there would be all kinds of other degenerates there... I really don't know exactly what it was I expected. The first channel I tiptoed into was one where there was no talking going on. Feeling myself an intruder, I snuck back out, but not before getting several private messages from several guys. Most were either too scary sounding on their opening lines, or were obviously looking for someone much different than me. (perverted i am and always have been, cheap i'm not) One was from someone who sounded genuinely caring and helpful and well.. all the qualities a sub looks for in a Dom, even when she doesn't know exactly what she's looking for. He asked me if I wanted him to be my Master. When I asked what exactly that would entail, he hedged and said that everything would become clear in time, saying only that I would be meeting him online and would have to be available for his phone calls.

I needed a Dom. I needed to be dominated. So even though I couldn't imagine how someone could do all of this online and over the phone, I said yes.. and it almost goes without saying that it didn't last long. When you don't know what you're committing to it's not much of a commitment. I will be ever grateful that if I had to make a mistake on my first try, at least it was with someone who wasn't dangerous and actually did teach me a few things while the relationship lasted.

Once I realized that it wouldn't work between us, I crept back into a channel again. I was no less scared this time, and came in just in time to catch two Dommes very sternly telling another newcomer how his behavior should be. I listened carefully, almost feeling it was me getting reprimanded. So I sat back quietly and watched, warding off all the private messages that were coming in.. intrigued and intimidated by the force of the Ladies personalities, and in awe of the style and grace exhibited by the subs in channel. I spent a lot of time there.. coming in every chance I got and just soaking it all up.. slowly beginning to talk to other subs and Doms, and now smart enough to know not to fall for any of the lines, telling all that I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship, but just wanted to learn in channel.

It took no time at all before I knew I'd found home. I found others who felt the same as me! And they weren't bad people. They were beautiful people who took pride in their submission. For the first time in my life it wasn't something to feel shame about. It was beautiful and enlightening and liberating!

Soon I wasn't dancing much. No, I couldn't join a group for coffee after class because I had to rush home to my new friends. No, it really didn't seem worth the trouble to drive cross town for a fun few hours of dancing when I could just stay home with my new family. No, that party, though it sounds like fun, just doesn't seem to be so enticing when I can let the hours fly by in channel. Sleep? Well.. a couple less hours of sleep won't be any harm.. I'm just having too much fun to sleep!

I think of those who also find the internet, but who have families involved in the equation. I think of those who are looking for something to fix their lives.. and those who hadn't had a chance to develop a life or outside interests before finding this place. I needed to feel I wasn't sick ..and needed to be able to express this part of me that had always been there. But I discovered along the way that there were others with different agendas.. people who had quite different needs.. whether to get their kicks in hurting others, or in trying to manipulate people just to see if they could, or just for a little fun.

I was lucky. After my first misinformed visit into an online relationship with a Dom, I was able to just relax and watch.. and watch.. and talk to people who came to know that I wasn't going to play any games.

This gave me a great perspective.. though not one I was always happy to see. Because people sensed they could trust me, I was propositioned by Doms and subs who were in supposedly rock solid monogamous online collared relationships. I never passed on the information to anyone, but I never forgot.. filing the information in my "Lessons Learned from Others" file.

I saw sister subs who, while professing their affection for another sub, would chase after her Dom when she wasn't around. I saw back stabbing and lying.. I learned that the last thing I would ever want is to have a have a relationship that was publicly acknowledged in channel.

But I learned how to love.. deeply.. unconditionally..

I learned that gender really didn't matter in the quality and flavor of the love..

I started to become even more sexual than I had been.. I learned that my preconceived ideas and fears were only limitations to my growth.. and that what I wanted and needed most was growth.

I felt like a long dormant seed finally growing and flowering..

I've had set backs of course.. over the last 2 years, I've taken major steps forward ..and minor ones back.. constantly learning and sharing ..trying to help others who are new here and wanting to shield them from the dangers that abound online and even more dangerous, those powerful needs and desires inside them which make them most vulnerable to the ones who would hurt and use them.

I was lucky and finally met my Master, though i didn't find him on IRC. A lot of work, determination and unconventional practices went into finding him, and after selling my home and business, i moved my son and myself cross-country to live with him.

So after this too-long rambling discourse, let me just say that whether or not it makes any sense, this is my reason for needing to share some stories. Yes.. stories abound on the internet.. perfect, sugar coated stories of a happily ever after.. of how great BDSM can be.. and yes, some are lucky.. some find exactly what they're looking for.. but it isn't necessarily like that. Mistakes are made. I consider myself to be a very strong independent and intelligent person.. and I've made many of them... after all.. the heart and hormones don't always think with clarity.

We talk openly online and in stories about what our needs and wants are. Those who are out to hurt us listen closely. They know all the right words to say.. they see what works for others and imitate it. they practice constantly.. messaging dozens of subs at a time and trying all the tricks.. and perfecting them. You may think this wonderful Dom feels exactly as you do about everything.. but did he actually say those things? did he actually mean them? or did you tell him how you felt and he agreed enthusiastically? Did he encourage you to tell him your fantasies and then elaborate on them? Did he then describe in luscious hot wet intoxicating detail how HE could make those fantasies come true for you?

After a few of these manipulators have figured out that I'm not what they're looking for, I've asked questions.. and gotten answers.. they've giggled to me while telling me just how easy it is.

Sadly, I see some of the same subs falling for it over and over again.. needing and wanting so badly that they lack the ability to be able to step back just a little to really look at what and who he is. and what he's saying, why and how he is saying it. All they know is that THIS time, it's the REAL ONE. You say "but I don't want to step back".. "I'm a sub and a sub gives herself completely to her Dom". If you ask him questions, he answers in a "Domly" way.. either using the "if you were a real or good submissive you would just trust me" line, or the "How DARE you question me?!" line .. or the "I'm so hurt that you question me on that.. I can't believe that you could be distrust me sooo much as to even think that I'm not what I say" (sniff, pout) line. These are the strongest tools of their trade. guilt, playing on our care-giving instincts, playing on our insecurities about our submission and our thoughts of not being "good enough", and last but not least, our fear of angering him or of punishment or of losing him or being not pleasing or good enough.

Does he seem to be rushing you? pushing? throwing you off balance? It's another useful tool for them. They know that if you have time to get to know them you won't like what you find. They know if you have a chance to learn more or ask questions, they won't look very good in comparison to others and you may just find out their game. Besides... they don't have time to waste on developing a relationship with you.. they want to get on with the FUN.. where you do anything they want, right or wrong because you belong to them. and many will want to move on to conquer others as soon as you've given in. It's sad but true.. I couldn't count the number of times I've seen it happen.

Is he insisting right away to talk to you over the phone? RedFlag! Of course he wants that.. then he knows everything about you. Once someone has your phone number, they know your location, including your actual address. Even if he has you call him, caller ID or last call return will give him the information he wants. This is all aside from the fact that it's a lot easier for him to be insistent over the phone and force you into doing or saying things you aren't ready for. If you want to be able to call from home, call your phone company and ask about having caller ID blocked.. at least then you can *choose* when to give up your privacy.

Are you married and he's pushing you to take the relationship into real life? pointing out just how GOOD it'll be in person where he's not limited and can do all the things he's only been able to describe? I've talked to a couple of guys who's only objective is to get a "good girl" to go against her morals and vows for him. period. There are a surprising number of "Doms" out there who are ONLY interested in those who aren't available and the challenge that presents. Please don't throw away what you already have for someone who just wants to see if he can get you to do it.

Anything can and does happen in this fantasy world .. and in our attempts to make our dreams come true. The last thing I want to do is to scare someone so badly that they deny their needs out of fear. Fear is not an acceptable method of making choices. Being educated about what can happen and having a healthy attitude is. I would like everyone to be able to make an informed decision based on what they know .. not what they feel... so I humbly offer up these true stories from other subs who've been there.. some insights and things to look for...

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