Serious Issue

I wanted to share an experience I have had over the last several weeks with the group. It's somewhat painful but I hope it can caution those out there who are still looking for a Dom/sub online to be careful in every way. Sometimes, if you do everything "safely", it still turns out wrong.

Several weeks ago, I received a message through Yahoo from an Anchorage man who found my profile and was interested. We chatted online for awhile and I recieved his picture. He was gorgeous, successful, single, kinky and we even had mutual friends inside and outside of the lifestyle. I agreed to meet him publically.

We met at a coffee house and he was even better looking than his picture. He was sweet, paid for everything, told me how much prettier I was than my picture...he said all of the right things at the right times. He called me later that evening and started using endearments (sweetie) and also began his campaign to make me breathless with every conversation...every meeting. He was sweeping me off of my feet.

Yet, my gut was starting to bother me and I couldn't figure out why.

He started calling me frequently...work...home...saying all of the right things, I was breathless and enthralled. However, our next date took two misses before it happened. Things would get in the way and he didn't show...my reaction to that was what started alarming my friends...they had never seen me act this way. I was obviously hooked.

The next several dates: more uncomfortable feelings. He started to subtlely push at boundaries - first on the phone, then in person - that we BOTH had previously established.... He was trying to "order" me to cross the line but doing so in a seemingly playful, persuasive way...I held firm. He didn't seem to get upset, but he did seem to take it as a challenge.

The day after a beautiful date the night before, I let him watch a scene between a very cool woman and I. The ground rules were that he was NOT to touch her... he actually agreed and insisted on this...he did not want to do any more than watch. We re-established those rules while I was instructing the submissive before the scene in his presence. Suddenly, at an intimate moment during the scene, I realized he had moved from his sitting position and was standing over both of us. I looked up and he was holding and touching her hand. I was shocked, but I continued with the scene. (mistake!!!) She was blindfolded...etc...and didn't seem upset at the time and I don't think that the full impact of what he was doing had hit me yet. (I take trust during a scene VERY seriously) When the scene was over, I was driving her home and she mentioned discomfort at his touch. I apologized profusely and promised that he would not be any part of a future scene.

I obviously could not trust him and this bugged me. I mentioned it when he called before he was supposed to pick me up that night.

No surprise, he didn't show and had a very good excuse.

Now my gut was really bothering me. I knew I had to just chill out with this guy, so I called to tell him this. We had a good talk and he agreed that he didn't know what was happening in his life - that he was confused. We decided that friendship was the best solution. I then called him later that evening to follow-up on the conversation. I actually started to tell him how I felt about the scene and he started to tell me about his previous marriage.

It turns out that the marriage broke up due to his abuse of his wife...she asked him to leave. When I commented that lack of boundaries and neglect were other symptoms of the same problem, the conversation changed and suddenly I was dealing with a man I had not previously seen. He became angry, nasty...threatened to kick a mutual friend's ass because he had been concerned about me with this man...then hung up on me. I sat there stunned and shaking.

The reason I wanted to post this is because all of this ended with no one hurt...and just as easily could have ended VERY badly. This man, on the outside, was everything a kinkster woman could want...good looking, sexy, financially successful, loves his kids, can speak enough of the "kink language" to get by. That's what makes him very scary. The seemingly "small" breeches of boundaries hinted at a much deeper...much more dangerous potential.

Lessons learned:

1. Always listen to your gut...I did not ignore it this time, just waited for evidence.
2. Listen to your close friends who love you...when I realized how alarmed several of them were, it got my attention.
3. Crossing boundaries in this lifestyle is BAD, BAD, BAD!!! It puts everyone at risk of a disaster. Unfortunately, there are those around who can testify to this.
4. What I didn't mention before: I was in a very abusive relationship years ago and did a lot of therapy to recover. That means I ALWAYS must be vigilant.

celtic